8 Page Journal Entry from Danielle

September 29, 2023

How do I sit down in front of this blank computer screen and write down my feelings about the past month?  How can I even find the words to express my horror and also the peace and the power I have felt?  

Maybe some Isaiah (what Isaiah? NO - I can’t believe it!)  found in 1 Nephi 20 will help to explain.  I think I will just selectively choose the words I like out of the chapter that have somehow spoken to my heart.  I never thought that my feelings would be expressed by Isaiah.

Hearken and hear this … the God of Israel, who is the Lord of Hosts; yea, the Lord of Hosts is his name.   … For, behold, I have refined thee, I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction.   For mine own sake, yea, for mine own sake will I do this… Hearken unto me, O Jacob, and Israel my called, for I am he; I am the first, and I am also the last.  Mine hand hath also laid the foundation of the earth, and my right hand hath spanned the heavens. I call unto them and they stand up together.

All ye, assemble yourselves, and hear; who among them hath declared these things unto them? The Lord hath loved him; yea, and he will fulfill his word which he hath declared by them; and he will do his pleasure….

Also, saith the Lord; I the Lord, yea, I have spoken; yea, I have called him to declare, I have brought him, and he shall make his way prosperous.

Come ye near unto me; I have not spoken in secret; from the beginning, from the time that it was declared have I spoken; and the Lord God, and his Spirit, hath sent me.

And thus saith the Lord, thy Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel; I have sent him, the Lord thy God who teacheth thee to profit, who leadeth thee by the way thou shouldst go, hath done it.

O that thou hadst hearkened to my commandments—then had thy peace been as a river, and thy righteousness as the waves of the sea.

Thy seed also had been as the sand; the offspring of thy bowels like the gravel thereof; his name should not have been cut off nor destroyed from before me.

Go ye forth …with a voice of singing declare ye, tell this, utter to the end of the earth; say ye: The Lord hath redeemed his servant Jacob.

And they thirsted not; he led them through the deserts; he caused the waters to flow out of the rock for them; he clave the rock also and the waters gushed out.

And notwithstanding he hath done all this, and greater also, there is …peace, saith the Lord.

For some reason this passage of scripture brought me great peace.    Peace like a river, I suppose.   I have felt close to the spirit.  I have felt as though the Savior has indeed stood beside me.   I am sure it has to do with the prayers that have been offered for us as we have served here in the Philippines.  Also, when I reflect on our setting apart by Elder Renlund I can honestly feel his hands on my head blessing me with the ability to do this monumental task.  Remembering that setting apart has brought me strength even in the hard times.   I know that we were called by God through his chosen apostles to serve.  My Heavenly Father knows me personally.  He knows of my imperfections and my struggles.  He knows of my desires and my hopes and my greatest fears.  Notwithstanding all of that, He called Michael and I to serve as Mission Leaders here in the Angeles Mission.  So, if He thinks we can do this - YES, we can.  Honestly, even with the hard and the horrifying I find myself on my knees thanking our loving Heavenly Father for this opportunity to serve.   Even knowing that our grandkids are growing and changing everyday without us, I somehow feel so grateful that Michael & I are here together.  It’s like it shouldn’t make sense - when I think about it,  But that is what I feel in my heart!  That is my story and I’m sticking to it!

I have been struggling with a pretty significant cough for the past almost 2 weeks.   I did rest for a couple of days right after the Memorial Service for Sister Maw was over.  But it has been hard to stay away from the people, especially, the missionaries that I love to be with so much!  At the same time, I don’t want to spread this cold/ flu to anyone else.  So, that is the struggle.  I will change antibiotics and see if that will help me.  Honestly, I don’t know that my faith is very high in the medical field here in Tarlac City.  So here it is, Friday afternoon.  M (President) is visiting a few Elders in the area, getting some of the interviews he needs to do with each of them completed.  I took a short nap here on the sofa that is located in the mission office. It is a chance for me to read, ponder, pray and write.  If I could get rid of this headache that would be an improvement.  I know - that this too will pass.   Enough about that!

It’s interesting how much I want to just call my mom.  When I was home in IDAHO and I thought of my own mother I could drive over to the Meridian temple and after completing an ordinance I could sit in the celestial room and think of her and what advice and comfort she would have for me.  So now, I have to pray and then just find a quiet place to contemplate what she would like me to know and feel.  It’s a comfort to know that yes - families are forever.  She is my mother forever.  

9/12 Transfer announcements were somehow exciting and stressful at the same time!  If every missionary could just love their companion and truly try and do their best to help each other.  If companions could be honest with each other, their struggles and their hopes and fears, I think they could find much strength and friendship in companionships that aren’t of their choosing.  Becoming more like the Savior, what a challenge!  As I watched the faces of missionaries on Zoom, I saw excitement, disappointment, surprise, and a bit of silliness!  I love each of those faces of those missionaries so much!  It’s such a good feeling - the fact that we really do know these missionaries now.

9/15 New missionaries, eleven of them arrived at the mission home 90 minutes earlier than expected!  Michael had to rush to get out of his pajamas!  So instead of the trainers meeting the new missionaries it was the opposite as the new missionaries got there first!  What a wonderful group of missionaries!  We had a great day together.  Eating fried rice for breakfast and a typical Filipino meal for lunch - lots of rice, but turron for dessert (my personal favorite).  It is quite an emotional feeling watching them load up all of their belongings and get into a van and then just head out into the mission to their new area with their trainer.  Wow - missions are amazing.  These young missionaries are so capable.  We have about 180 young missionaries out there in our mission serving, sacrificing, teaching, and working hard.  They teach us so much every time we are with them.  We have been blessed with such great love for each and everyone of them.  It is such an amazing feeling.  The feeling of love we have for each of them is just another witness to me of the love our Heavenly Father has for each of us.

9/16  Michael & I attended baptisms in Victoria, Mamonit and Birbira.  The ordinance of baptism is so beautifully symbolic of rebirth and cleansing.  I never tire of attending baptisms.  Each time I witness a baptism I feel uplifted and grateful that I can be here.

9/16  We arrived at the hospital in Camiling where Sister Maw was admitted.  We arrived just after she was moved to the  ICU.  After passing a covid test and getting into disposable scrubs, I was able to stay by her side for the rest of her stay there.  We had miracles happen as we were able to contact the Area Medical Specialist and make arrangements for Sister Maw to be transported to St. Lukes, in Manila, the top hospital in the Philippines.  It took the persuasion of the Camiling Stake President, President Baharin and of the mayor of Camiling to secure an ambulance and transport her 3 hours to St. Lukes.  Sister VanTassell & I both climbed into the ambulance with the ambulance nurse and we made the ride.  I held Sister Maw’s hand, played hymns on my phone, read her messages from missionaries, had her talk to her mom and dad, and tried my best to provide comfort on a terribly bumpy, painful ride for her.  Sis. VT watched the monitors and her I.V.

We thought there were so many miracles getting Sister Maw to the hospital in Manila that everything would be ok for her once we were there. 

Sister Maw last spoke with her parents at 12:30 AM Sunday morning.

9/17 Sister Taylor Maw passed away at 4:50 AM.  I will now share what I shared at the memorial for Sister Maw:

I know that we have a Father in Heaven.  We are His children.  We can communicate with Him through prayer. There have been times in my life where I have found myself on my knees pleading with Heavenly Father to bless me or to bless someone I love dearly.  Pleading and begging for healing, for understanding and for life.  Those experiences have become sacred for me.   Early Sunday morning I had one of those kinds of prayers in a hospital room in Manilla - Where I  pleaded with the Lord for help and healing.  As the morning went on, I felt such deep sadness, as well as a bit of horror - 

I want you to know, I also was able to feel my Savior's love even in the depth of despair.  His Spirit warmed my soul, his gentleness enveloped me.  Sisters & Elders, Family and friends I had the distinct feeling and picture of Sister Maw at peace with a smile on her beautiful face.  Even now - When I think of Sister Maw I can only think of her as happy.  I have had an unbelievable feeling of peace.  Heavenly Father hears and answers our prayers.

Sister VanTassel and I were shuttled back to our homes, leaving Manila about noon.  I arrived at the mission home 2 hours later.  Michael had already visited Sister Maw’s companions.  Together we worked on an email that was sent out to our entire mission.  What a shock.  

Here is that email:

September 17, 2023

Our dear, beloved missionaries:

It is with great sadness that we inform you that early this morning, our wonderful fellow missionary, Sister Taylor Maw, passed away at Saints Luke’s Hospital in Manila, after a very short but courageous battle.  It is suspected that the cause of her death was due to a severe infection which produced a septic condition known as sepsis that affected multiple organs and caused them to quickly fail.  We understand how difficult this news is for many of us who know and truly love her.  We testify that peace and comfort can come to each of us as we turn to our Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ.  Our hope is that each of us will receive strength and comfort through the Savior’s Atonement.

We recognize the need for extra emotional support that might be needed.  We pray that it might be provided through your companion, your young mission leaders, your parents, counseling, Adjusting to Missionary Life, fellow missionaries, senior couples, and your mission leaders.  Grieving can affect each of us in different ways.  Our recommendation is that we all take time for deep reflection as we continue to focus on our Missionary Purpose.  There will be a mission memorial service at a future time.  Details will be forthcoming.

In a recent post by Sister Maw, she shared the following scripture, "The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" ~Psalm 27:1

Sisters & Elders, we love you and we are so grateful for each of you and the blessing you are to so many.

- May we all find comfort in Christ: Sister & President Bingham

9/18  Michael & I spoke with Sister Taylor Maw’s parents, Russel and Tanya on the phone.  What a sad yet somehow sacred experience.  I feel like we somehow know them.  We love them both.  We love their other 3 sons, 2 of which are currently in the Mexico City MTC.  My heart aches for them.  

I visited a few Sisters & Elders as I made my way to Sister Maw’s apartment to pick up her belongings.

9/19  Mission life doesn’t ever take a pause.  We had a great district leader training Tuesday morning.  The 6 departing missionaries arrived at the mission home early afternoon.  President interviewed each one of them.  We had questions & answers with them.  We had dinner, bought from Fortune Chinese Restaurant (President Oaks personal favorite, or so we are told.)  We had a wonderful testimony meeting.  Sharing my testimony with these departing missionaries was quite an emotional moment for me - but I somehow took a deep breath and pulled myself together.   

9/20  Departing missionaries left at 8 AM.  It is just such a feeling - like a sad feeling - to watch them load up in vans and head down the road.  I was so proud of each of them. They did it!  They sacrificed!  They served!  And you should see each one of them!  

9/21  We had a really great Zoom training meeting with our new Mission Leadership Council, all of the Zone Leaders and Sister Training Leaders.  We opened up Missionary Standards for Disciples of Jesus Christ and read together and mostly listened as the MLC trained each other and themselves.  It’s amazing.  They get the program.

We picked up a sister missionary in Ayarat, far south in our mission and took her to her new apartment in Santa Ignacia.  Stopped and met a couple of missionaries with some money from the office.  Picked up 2 more missionaries in Moncada and returned to the mission home.  What a car ride!

9/23  The memorial for Sister Maw was beautiful.  When it was finished the missionaries just sat in their seats.  I think none of us wanted it to end.  The spirit was so strong. This is the program:

Memorial for Sister Maw

Saturday September 23, 2023 10 AM - 11 AM

Tarlac Stake Center

Flowers by Sister Hilton

Prelude Music:  Elder Golightly

Conducting:  Sister Fifita (Sister Training Leader)

Presiding:  Elder Revillo, First Quorum of the Seventy, Philippines Area Presidency

Opening Hymn:  I Need Thee Every Hour - Hymn #98

Pianist:  Elder Golightly

Chorister:  Sister Nicerio

Opening Prayer: Elder Thomas

Musical Number:  The Lord is my Light 

8 Sisters with Michelle Ray accompanying

Sister Fernandez Sister Wycoco Sister Lauga Sister Dizon Sister Fifita Sister Arnold Sister Nicerio Sister Tu'utafaiva

Messages by former companions: (Christ-like attributes) 

Sister Lamila - Charity 

Sister Miraflor - Charity & Love

Sister Toledo - Humility 

Sister Wycoco - Faith

Message from former district leader: Elder Borg (Becoming a Lifetime Disciple of Jesus Christ) - 

Remarks by President Waddoups, via Zoom

Musical number: There is Peace in Christ 

       Violin:  Elder Black & Sister Arnold

Piano:  Sister Fifita

Singing : Elder Sumiran Elder Gonzales Elder Roberts Elder Brown Elder Cortan Elder Guerrero Elder Cabrera Sister Nicerio Sister Fernandez Sister Lauga Sister Dizon Sister Tu'utafaiva Sister Wycoco 

Message from Sister Bingham 

Message by President Bingham 

Closing Remarks by Elder Revillo

Closing Hymn:  I’ll Go Where You Want Me to Go - Hymn #270  

Closing Prayer: Sister Arnold 

After the memorial Michael & I drove up to Camiling to attend 2 different baptism services.  We grabbed something to eat, we were starving, at ChowKing. 

9/25  Elder Trujuillo-Coelo returned home, leaving the mission home early in the morning.

That afternoon Michael & I drove a couple of Elders to Puroc.  What a week!  Even looking back on the whole week it doesn’t even seem humanly possible to do what we did.  But we did it!

Michael has done a few more visits without me as I have really tried to get over this cough and headache.  It always feels weird when we are separated.   

Here are a couple more paragraphs from my message I gave at Sister Maw’s memorial:

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The scripture that has had the most influence on me and my life is found in Proverbs 3:5-6   I testify to each of you that  We can trust God.  We can trust his timing.  We can trust His heart with all of our heart. 

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Our faith is in Jesus Christ.  Our faith is not in the outcomes we think we desire with our limited earthly perspective.  I have pondered more deeply the atonement of Jesus Christ.  I have thought of the deep sadness involved as well as a bit of horror at what our Savior went through for each of us.

PMG 2nd Edition -...At the end of His mortal ministry, He took upon Himself our sins by His suffering in Gethsemane and when He was crucified (see 1 Nephi 11:33). Jesus’s suffering was so great that it caused Him “to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore” (Doctrine and Covenants 19:18). After His Crucifixion, Jesus was resurrected, gaining victory over death. Together, these events are the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

It is important to remember that the resurrection is part of the Atonement.   What must it have been like - to see and witness the resurrected Savior just a few days after witnessing his death.

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I look forward to the day when we will get to be with our Savior.  But I want you to know that I know right now - I know that my Redeemer lives! What a joy that sentence is! It brings me great comfort and peace.  I testify to you that you can have experiences with the Savior, just like we read about in the scriptures. 

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As we ponder the example of Sister Maw as a faithful missionary and on the Atonement of Jesus Christ - I pray that we may all strive with redoubled energy to serve, exercise faith in our Savior Jesus Christ, repent and improve each day to qualify for that enduring joy that comes only through the gospel of Jesus Christ.  We can find peace in Christ.  The priesthood power of God is upon this earth. The power to bind us to Him through the covenants we have made.  May each of us prepare the world for the Savior’s return by inviting all to come unto Christ and receive the blessings of His Atonement.

In the name of Jesus Christ amen.